This is a variation on the other picture with Mr. Freezes more classic eye coloring. Do you think it improves or detracts? For those interested in the typeface I believe it is Ruben.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Freeze redux
This is a variation on the other picture with Mr. Freezes more classic eye coloring. Do you think it improves or detracts? For those interested in the typeface I believe it is Ruben.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Champagne Dreams
Last night on New Year's Eve I tried my first alcohol ever. I had a small mug of champagne to ring in the new year. I must admit I was excited.
To give the reader some context, I'm 25 and have a long standing phobia, neurosis thing about alcohol. This, presumably, stems, in part, from my childhood experiences of my dad's side of the family, in which overindulgence of alcohol on festive occasions was a regular occurrence. This was coupled with my maternal grandmother's deep criticism of indulgence in alcohol to any extent. As a result, I never really got a clear picture of what healthy alcohol consumption looks like, until my high school friends started drinking in the moderate reasonable ways they presumably learned from families less, or differently, dysfunctional than my own. The alcoholism on my father's side, combined with various other of my personal habits and traits led me to believe that I was probably not a good candidate to be someone who can drink regularly in a moderate way.
However, last night was new year's eve and I decided to try some champagne for the occasion. At heart I don't think I really wanted to, and I want to emphasize that I don't feel that my friends actively pressured me to do it. With the first mouthful I realized I didn't really like how it tasted, and made my dislike known in the traditional verbal fashion. At this point I was told that champagne wasn't really a good drink for starters, and they made other suggestions, that I tried to politely brush away. What started as an attempt express my distaste with the beverage and the unlikelihood of me trying more alcohol in the near future, sort of turned into a tirade about how I wish my friends would give me some space on this issue, and I don't remember everything I actually said, but I was pretty thoroughly annoyed with there response to my first time drinking alcohol. If I was out of line, or coming off as trying to be morally superior, I apologize. But the facts are, I felt like they didn't really know how much thought I had gone into over whether or not I was going to try my first drink that night. To them drinking is a casual thing that is not remotely a big deal. This may be a personality flaw on my part, but to me it was a very big deal. Drinking is pretty much the gateway between adult and not adult in our culture, and frankly when you're the only one at a party not drinking there is a real paranoia that can come over a person, like they're the baby of the party, and everyone else is just putting up with them to be polite. It's not that anybody actively comments or slights you, it's just that feeling of otherness, like you're not really part of the group. Sometimes they do make comments, even just in jest, that drinking would somehow improve me, which, joking though it is, does prey on my pre-existing insecurities.
The worst part is that, in fact, there is no rational reason for me to feel that way. For the most part people are nice and understanding about the issue, even when I've reiterated it ad nauseum. They all know what my deal is, it's ultimately me who has the problem with it. The whole thing just feeds into my insecurities over acceptance and validation. The feeling that no matter how long I've known my group of friends I'm still the new guy who has to prove himself. What all this is to say, is that intead of drinking for normal reasons like wanting to relax and have a good time, I drank because I thought somehow that would finally make me feel in. Make me feel like I belonged in the group. I drank because I thought if I did it would magically become a non-issue for me. Basically I drank in an attempt to kill my own insecurities and fears, which is probably a poor reason to drink alcohol.
As for the actual effects on my body. I got a fuzzy feeling for about an hour to an hour and a half followed by a headache that lasted the rest of the night. It also retriggered the depressive period that I had just pulled out of the day before. Now I'll probably have to wait another day or so, until I feel normal again. Basically my first experience with alcohol, was not very positive and I almost immediately regretted it. Now I know some people will be all, 'Oh, you just need more practice,' or 'don't let one bad experience ruin it' but that really isn't very helpful to me, since it just seems to reenforce the idea that I'm not going to be totally accepted by the group unless I conform, and drink to some extent. Not to be mean, but sometimes I almost get the inpression that people want me to drink, because me not drinking takes away from there fun which is paranoid on my part if false, but selfish on their part if true.
I guess I just want some sort of stable sign that i'm welcome even if I don't want to drink. I know there is a habit of playful teasing amobngst the group but if i could have some support or at least distance on this issue I would feel a lot better. Not that anyone reading should feel bad or anything, I mean everyone who was at the party is on this blogs friend list, so I expect some of them will read this. I don't want you to feel bad or guilty, because that would make me the self-centered one. All I'd really like is that whether people agree or disagree with my various reasonings on the subject they at least try to understand that this is probably one of those major issues that was defined by my childhood and will probably not go away for me easily if it ever does. To be fair there is another person in the group who doesn't drink just because he doesn't like the taste of alcohol, and I always get the sense that he gets more respect for his stand because it relies on a pure aesthetic, 'I don't like it, argument', rather than my complicated psycho-social arguments. Sometimes I feel like I'm just a squalling baby making excuses not to do something I'm scared of, so there's quite a lot of ambivelence on my part about this whoole thing.
Sorry, if i took up to much of your time, or hurt anyone's feelings. It's just because I sometimes think people don't get how much of an important issue this is for me, because it's such a non-issue for them and other people who are more normal than I am.
I hope this isn't too whiny, anyway food for thought.
To give the reader some context, I'm 25 and have a long standing phobia, neurosis thing about alcohol. This, presumably, stems, in part, from my childhood experiences of my dad's side of the family, in which overindulgence of alcohol on festive occasions was a regular occurrence. This was coupled with my maternal grandmother's deep criticism of indulgence in alcohol to any extent. As a result, I never really got a clear picture of what healthy alcohol consumption looks like, until my high school friends started drinking in the moderate reasonable ways they presumably learned from families less, or differently, dysfunctional than my own. The alcoholism on my father's side, combined with various other of my personal habits and traits led me to believe that I was probably not a good candidate to be someone who can drink regularly in a moderate way.
However, last night was new year's eve and I decided to try some champagne for the occasion. At heart I don't think I really wanted to, and I want to emphasize that I don't feel that my friends actively pressured me to do it. With the first mouthful I realized I didn't really like how it tasted, and made my dislike known in the traditional verbal fashion. At this point I was told that champagne wasn't really a good drink for starters, and they made other suggestions, that I tried to politely brush away. What started as an attempt express my distaste with the beverage and the unlikelihood of me trying more alcohol in the near future, sort of turned into a tirade about how I wish my friends would give me some space on this issue, and I don't remember everything I actually said, but I was pretty thoroughly annoyed with there response to my first time drinking alcohol. If I was out of line, or coming off as trying to be morally superior, I apologize. But the facts are, I felt like they didn't really know how much thought I had gone into over whether or not I was going to try my first drink that night. To them drinking is a casual thing that is not remotely a big deal. This may be a personality flaw on my part, but to me it was a very big deal. Drinking is pretty much the gateway between adult and not adult in our culture, and frankly when you're the only one at a party not drinking there is a real paranoia that can come over a person, like they're the baby of the party, and everyone else is just putting up with them to be polite. It's not that anybody actively comments or slights you, it's just that feeling of otherness, like you're not really part of the group. Sometimes they do make comments, even just in jest, that drinking would somehow improve me, which, joking though it is, does prey on my pre-existing insecurities.
The worst part is that, in fact, there is no rational reason for me to feel that way. For the most part people are nice and understanding about the issue, even when I've reiterated it ad nauseum. They all know what my deal is, it's ultimately me who has the problem with it. The whole thing just feeds into my insecurities over acceptance and validation. The feeling that no matter how long I've known my group of friends I'm still the new guy who has to prove himself. What all this is to say, is that intead of drinking for normal reasons like wanting to relax and have a good time, I drank because I thought somehow that would finally make me feel in. Make me feel like I belonged in the group. I drank because I thought if I did it would magically become a non-issue for me. Basically I drank in an attempt to kill my own insecurities and fears, which is probably a poor reason to drink alcohol.
As for the actual effects on my body. I got a fuzzy feeling for about an hour to an hour and a half followed by a headache that lasted the rest of the night. It also retriggered the depressive period that I had just pulled out of the day before. Now I'll probably have to wait another day or so, until I feel normal again. Basically my first experience with alcohol, was not very positive and I almost immediately regretted it. Now I know some people will be all, 'Oh, you just need more practice,' or 'don't let one bad experience ruin it' but that really isn't very helpful to me, since it just seems to reenforce the idea that I'm not going to be totally accepted by the group unless I conform, and drink to some extent. Not to be mean, but sometimes I almost get the inpression that people want me to drink, because me not drinking takes away from there fun which is paranoid on my part if false, but selfish on their part if true.
I guess I just want some sort of stable sign that i'm welcome even if I don't want to drink. I know there is a habit of playful teasing amobngst the group but if i could have some support or at least distance on this issue I would feel a lot better. Not that anyone reading should feel bad or anything, I mean everyone who was at the party is on this blogs friend list, so I expect some of them will read this. I don't want you to feel bad or guilty, because that would make me the self-centered one. All I'd really like is that whether people agree or disagree with my various reasonings on the subject they at least try to understand that this is probably one of those major issues that was defined by my childhood and will probably not go away for me easily if it ever does. To be fair there is another person in the group who doesn't drink just because he doesn't like the taste of alcohol, and I always get the sense that he gets more respect for his stand because it relies on a pure aesthetic, 'I don't like it, argument', rather than my complicated psycho-social arguments. Sometimes I feel like I'm just a squalling baby making excuses not to do something I'm scared of, so there's quite a lot of ambivelence on my part about this whoole thing.
Sorry, if i took up to much of your time, or hurt anyone's feelings. It's just because I sometimes think people don't get how much of an important issue this is for me, because it's such a non-issue for them and other people who are more normal than I am.
I hope this isn't too whiny, anyway food for thought.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)