For reasons inexplicable to me, reading other people's strong opinions online irritates me more than almost anything. Usually, I can restrain myself from overt action while my blood boils quietly in response. This morning however I failed. I read a tweet by friend with a strongly worded opinion. I reacted by getting all snarky and passive aggressive with my posts. They told me off and I got all offended, but apologized because I also recognized that I had been harsh and unfair. I then unfollowed them because I didn't trust my reaction to anything further they might post in response. Now I have banned my self from twitter and facebook for the day. Unfortunately I can't tell whether I'm doing this so I don't have to see anything else that irritates me today, or if I'm just pulling more passive aggressive shit to try and make poeople feel bad for me.
What kind of mean asshole person do I have to be that can't just let things lie?
I'm left wondering why strong opinions make me so irritated and uncomfortable. I personally find it very hard to form strong personal opinions about issues, so it's also hard for me to relate to people when they have strong opinions. The closest I come to strong opinions is regarding first amendment issues about which I care deeply, but when people talk about boycotts or whatever I feel like I just can't relate. Which, to me, reads as me having a lot of trouble relating to any issue that probably awont directly effect me, which makes me not much more than a narcisistic bratty childish entitled straight white guy whose unwilling to privilige check when it actually counts. In other words I'm finding it hard to resist living down all the worst stereotypes about liberal white guys .
So that is what's going on with me today. Also I'm busy with housework, and I have to get up early for work tomorrow, so I don't get to do D&D tonight which totally sucks. The more I grow up the less I like the person I find myself growing into, but I have trouble seeing how to pull out of the existential nosedive I feel myself in.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Walk to PCC
Took a walk up to PCC Cascade campus around 1:30. As I walked I found that fall has begun falling much faster than I thought it would. I saw a pair of young women across the street from me, one of whom was climbing a tree. When I was walking back I investigated the tree and found that it had plums growing in the upper branches. I, however, have never been great at climbing trees.
I went up to PCC Cascade, because I received mail two weeks ago that told me that I would be cut off of financial aid after this term, and if I wanted to keep it I had to file an application for an extension. I want to talk to an adviser about how best to do this. When I got to the advising office, I saw how long a wait it would be, and was also a little scared of doing it. I've decided to wait until a week or two of the term has passed and things settle down a bit.
Sometimes I think about trying to forgo the associate of arts transfer program and just transferring outright to PSU. I don't know which way would be more beneficial yet.
I went up to PCC Cascade, because I received mail two weeks ago that told me that I would be cut off of financial aid after this term, and if I wanted to keep it I had to file an application for an extension. I want to talk to an adviser about how best to do this. When I got to the advising office, I saw how long a wait it would be, and was also a little scared of doing it. I've decided to wait until a week or two of the term has passed and things settle down a bit.
Sometimes I think about trying to forgo the associate of arts transfer program and just transferring outright to PSU. I don't know which way would be more beneficial yet.
Monday, August 10, 2009
101 things
Like some of my other friends and acquaintances I have decided to use the 101 things in 1001 days(May 7th 2012) meme to overhaul my life. However some of the things I put on my list ended up being just a tad too personal for me to share on the Internet. These will manifest as a number followed by a blank.
1. Make list of 101 things to do in 1001 days. Done.
2. Publish a short story.
3. Finish writing a novel.
4. Visit a state other than Washington.
5. Get my tranfer degree at PCC.
6. Apply for food stamps by October 2009.
7. Write at least a dozen poems. 0/12
8. Learn to ride a bike.
9. Learn to swim.
10. Go on a date.
11.
12.Read a book by Aleister Crowley.
13. Read a book by Austin Spare
14. Read a book by Kenneth Grant
15. Write a song.
16. Learn to drive.
17. Lose 20 pounds.
18. Try alcohol.
19.
20. Clean my room every year in August. 0/3
21. Read a James Joyce novel.
22. Read Moby Dick.
23. Attend a Shakespeare play.
24. Attend a non Shakespeare play.
25. Write a play.
26. Write a comic.
27. Attend a con.
28. Start going to "real" college.
29. Give Blood.
30. Play a video game through to the finish.
31. Run at least one D&D campaign.
32. Run an rpg other than D&D.
33. Get a housecat.
34. Finish designing a pen and paper role-playing game.
35. Learn Spanish.
36. Learn one additional foreign language.
37. Read at least one book about Celtic mythology.
38. Finish making Logan and Zena's wedding gift.
39. Design a Tarot deck.
40. Read "The Golden Bough."
41. Get a better job.
42. Write an audio play.
43. Fail completely at one of the things on this list.
44. Watch a horror movie a day one October.
45. Read a book on Tarot.
46. Read a book about the I Ching.
47. Pay my mother at least 10,000 dollars spread out over the period. 0/10000.
48.
49. Update my blog at least 40 times. Not counting updates to this list. 1/40
50. Get a housemate.
51. Clean house top to bottom every spring. 0/3
52. Make at least 3 new friends. 0/3
53. Learn a role-playing system I've never played with before.
54. Try dice-less role-playing.
55. Attend a church service. (Just out of curiosity.)
56. Learn to play the harmonica.
57.
58.
59. Save 2600$
60. Write at least one work of pornography under a pseudonym.
61. Learn to not freak out around dogs.
62. Go 60 days without soda. 0/60
63. Pay only in cash for six months. (not necessarily consecutive.) 0/6
64. Host a Halloween party.
65. Read the complete works of Poe.
66. Read the remainder of my Lovecraft Anthologies.
67. Write a dozen stories about Vampires. 0/12
68. Read "The Invisibles"
69. Don't buy any books until I finish what I currently have on my plate.
70. Move firewood into basement before September 2009.
71. Trim the yard once a month during the spring and summer months. 1/21
72. Write at least a paragraph of something per day. 1/1001
73. Never let my tweets go over 200 a month. 1/33
74. Pass Math 111 in Fall 2009.
75. Spend one day a month doing nothing. 1/33
76. Visit the zoo once a year. 0/3
77. Turn my mom's old bedroom, or the basement into an office.
78. See a live concert at least once a year. 0/3
79. Get a proper Christmas tree. 0/3
80. Find a group to run Promethean with.
81. Try writing a nonfiction work.
82. Read the Bible.
83. Read the Qu'ran.
84. Read the Enuma Elis
85. Read the Nag Hammadi texts.
86. Take a hard science course and get better than a C.
87. Retake and pass US History 201 out of pride.
88. Finish collecting every issue of Starman.
89. Acquire some actual Chick Tracts.
90. Write a science-fiction story.
91. Get somebody to watch "Man of the Century" with me.
92. Begin writing "Z-type."
93. Learn how playing cards can be used for divination.
94. Make sure to get a cool calender every year. 0/3
95. Use the Qlippoth in fiction.
96. Keep a dream journal.
97. Keep a writing journal.
98. Carry a small ideas notebook at all times.
99. Watch a John Waters movie.
100. Take a week off one December to experiment with living only at night.
101. Get some variety of cell phone.
That's the list I'm going to try to stick to it, but I have a history of getting bored or forgetting about this sort of thing after a couple of months, so wish me luck. I have eliminated and altered the internet related items now that I realize how much work it would be just to keep track of those things.
1. Make list of 101 things to do in 1001 days. Done.
2. Publish a short story.
3. Finish writing a novel.
4. Visit a state other than Washington.
5. Get my tranfer degree at PCC.
6. Apply for food stamps by October 2009.
7. Write at least a dozen poems. 0/12
8. Learn to ride a bike.
9. Learn to swim.
10. Go on a date.
11.
12.Read a book by Aleister Crowley.
13. Read a book by Austin Spare
14. Read a book by Kenneth Grant
15. Write a song.
16. Learn to drive.
17. Lose 20 pounds.
18. Try alcohol.
19.
20. Clean my room every year in August. 0/3
21. Read a James Joyce novel.
22. Read Moby Dick.
23. Attend a Shakespeare play.
24. Attend a non Shakespeare play.
25. Write a play.
26. Write a comic.
27. Attend a con.
28. Start going to "real" college.
29. Give Blood.
30. Play a video game through to the finish.
31. Run at least one D&D campaign.
32. Run an rpg other than D&D.
33. Get a housecat.
34. Finish designing a pen and paper role-playing game.
35. Learn Spanish.
36. Learn one additional foreign language.
37. Read at least one book about Celtic mythology.
38. Finish making Logan and Zena's wedding gift.
39. Design a Tarot deck.
40. Read "The Golden Bough."
41. Get a better job.
42. Write an audio play.
43. Fail completely at one of the things on this list.
44. Watch a horror movie a day one October.
45. Read a book on Tarot.
46. Read a book about the I Ching.
47. Pay my mother at least 10,000 dollars spread out over the period. 0/10000.
48.
49. Update my blog at least 40 times. Not counting updates to this list. 1/40
50. Get a housemate.
51. Clean house top to bottom every spring. 0/3
52. Make at least 3 new friends. 0/3
53. Learn a role-playing system I've never played with before.
54. Try dice-less role-playing.
55. Attend a church service. (Just out of curiosity.)
56. Learn to play the harmonica.
57.
58.
59. Save 2600$
60. Write at least one work of pornography under a pseudonym.
61. Learn to not freak out around dogs.
62. Go 60 days without soda. 0/60
63. Pay only in cash for six months. (not necessarily consecutive.) 0/6
64. Host a Halloween party.
65. Read the complete works of Poe.
66. Read the remainder of my Lovecraft Anthologies.
67. Write a dozen stories about Vampires. 0/12
68. Read "The Invisibles"
69. Don't buy any books until I finish what I currently have on my plate.
70. Move firewood into basement before September 2009.
71. Trim the yard once a month during the spring and summer months. 1/21
72. Write at least a paragraph of something per day. 1/1001
73. Never let my tweets go over 200 a month. 1/33
74. Pass Math 111 in Fall 2009.
75. Spend one day a month doing nothing. 1/33
76. Visit the zoo once a year. 0/3
77. Turn my mom's old bedroom, or the basement into an office.
78. See a live concert at least once a year. 0/3
79. Get a proper Christmas tree. 0/3
80. Find a group to run Promethean with.
81. Try writing a nonfiction work.
82. Read the Bible.
83. Read the Qu'ran.
84. Read the Enuma Elis
85. Read the Nag Hammadi texts.
86. Take a hard science course and get better than a C.
87. Retake and pass US History 201 out of pride.
88. Finish collecting every issue of Starman.
89. Acquire some actual Chick Tracts.
90. Write a science-fiction story.
91. Get somebody to watch "Man of the Century" with me.
92. Begin writing "Z-type."
93. Learn how playing cards can be used for divination.
94. Make sure to get a cool calender every year. 0/3
95. Use the Qlippoth in fiction.
96. Keep a dream journal.
97. Keep a writing journal.
98. Carry a small ideas notebook at all times.
99. Watch a John Waters movie.
100. Take a week off one December to experiment with living only at night.
101. Get some variety of cell phone.
That's the list I'm going to try to stick to it, but I have a history of getting bored or forgetting about this sort of thing after a couple of months, so wish me luck. I have eliminated and altered the internet related items now that I realize how much work it would be just to keep track of those things.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Everday is another shooter
http://www.everydayshooter.com
The most awesomest shooter game I've ever played. Buy it off steam immediately. No regret you, it.
The most awesomest shooter game I've ever played. Buy it off steam immediately. No regret you, it.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Flash fiction
I don't get as much time as I would like to write. I have started a twitter account and intend to post a new 140 character or less short short story at least once a week, though I hope to do more than that. My twitter id is Shade1983 just as it is here.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Freeze redux
This is a variation on the other picture with Mr. Freezes more classic eye coloring. Do you think it improves or detracts? For those interested in the typeface I believe it is Ruben.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Champagne Dreams
Last night on New Year's Eve I tried my first alcohol ever. I had a small mug of champagne to ring in the new year. I must admit I was excited.
To give the reader some context, I'm 25 and have a long standing phobia, neurosis thing about alcohol. This, presumably, stems, in part, from my childhood experiences of my dad's side of the family, in which overindulgence of alcohol on festive occasions was a regular occurrence. This was coupled with my maternal grandmother's deep criticism of indulgence in alcohol to any extent. As a result, I never really got a clear picture of what healthy alcohol consumption looks like, until my high school friends started drinking in the moderate reasonable ways they presumably learned from families less, or differently, dysfunctional than my own. The alcoholism on my father's side, combined with various other of my personal habits and traits led me to believe that I was probably not a good candidate to be someone who can drink regularly in a moderate way.
However, last night was new year's eve and I decided to try some champagne for the occasion. At heart I don't think I really wanted to, and I want to emphasize that I don't feel that my friends actively pressured me to do it. With the first mouthful I realized I didn't really like how it tasted, and made my dislike known in the traditional verbal fashion. At this point I was told that champagne wasn't really a good drink for starters, and they made other suggestions, that I tried to politely brush away. What started as an attempt express my distaste with the beverage and the unlikelihood of me trying more alcohol in the near future, sort of turned into a tirade about how I wish my friends would give me some space on this issue, and I don't remember everything I actually said, but I was pretty thoroughly annoyed with there response to my first time drinking alcohol. If I was out of line, or coming off as trying to be morally superior, I apologize. But the facts are, I felt like they didn't really know how much thought I had gone into over whether or not I was going to try my first drink that night. To them drinking is a casual thing that is not remotely a big deal. This may be a personality flaw on my part, but to me it was a very big deal. Drinking is pretty much the gateway between adult and not adult in our culture, and frankly when you're the only one at a party not drinking there is a real paranoia that can come over a person, like they're the baby of the party, and everyone else is just putting up with them to be polite. It's not that anybody actively comments or slights you, it's just that feeling of otherness, like you're not really part of the group. Sometimes they do make comments, even just in jest, that drinking would somehow improve me, which, joking though it is, does prey on my pre-existing insecurities.
The worst part is that, in fact, there is no rational reason for me to feel that way. For the most part people are nice and understanding about the issue, even when I've reiterated it ad nauseum. They all know what my deal is, it's ultimately me who has the problem with it. The whole thing just feeds into my insecurities over acceptance and validation. The feeling that no matter how long I've known my group of friends I'm still the new guy who has to prove himself. What all this is to say, is that intead of drinking for normal reasons like wanting to relax and have a good time, I drank because I thought somehow that would finally make me feel in. Make me feel like I belonged in the group. I drank because I thought if I did it would magically become a non-issue for me. Basically I drank in an attempt to kill my own insecurities and fears, which is probably a poor reason to drink alcohol.
As for the actual effects on my body. I got a fuzzy feeling for about an hour to an hour and a half followed by a headache that lasted the rest of the night. It also retriggered the depressive period that I had just pulled out of the day before. Now I'll probably have to wait another day or so, until I feel normal again. Basically my first experience with alcohol, was not very positive and I almost immediately regretted it. Now I know some people will be all, 'Oh, you just need more practice,' or 'don't let one bad experience ruin it' but that really isn't very helpful to me, since it just seems to reenforce the idea that I'm not going to be totally accepted by the group unless I conform, and drink to some extent. Not to be mean, but sometimes I almost get the inpression that people want me to drink, because me not drinking takes away from there fun which is paranoid on my part if false, but selfish on their part if true.
I guess I just want some sort of stable sign that i'm welcome even if I don't want to drink. I know there is a habit of playful teasing amobngst the group but if i could have some support or at least distance on this issue I would feel a lot better. Not that anyone reading should feel bad or anything, I mean everyone who was at the party is on this blogs friend list, so I expect some of them will read this. I don't want you to feel bad or guilty, because that would make me the self-centered one. All I'd really like is that whether people agree or disagree with my various reasonings on the subject they at least try to understand that this is probably one of those major issues that was defined by my childhood and will probably not go away for me easily if it ever does. To be fair there is another person in the group who doesn't drink just because he doesn't like the taste of alcohol, and I always get the sense that he gets more respect for his stand because it relies on a pure aesthetic, 'I don't like it, argument', rather than my complicated psycho-social arguments. Sometimes I feel like I'm just a squalling baby making excuses not to do something I'm scared of, so there's quite a lot of ambivelence on my part about this whoole thing.
Sorry, if i took up to much of your time, or hurt anyone's feelings. It's just because I sometimes think people don't get how much of an important issue this is for me, because it's such a non-issue for them and other people who are more normal than I am.
I hope this isn't too whiny, anyway food for thought.
To give the reader some context, I'm 25 and have a long standing phobia, neurosis thing about alcohol. This, presumably, stems, in part, from my childhood experiences of my dad's side of the family, in which overindulgence of alcohol on festive occasions was a regular occurrence. This was coupled with my maternal grandmother's deep criticism of indulgence in alcohol to any extent. As a result, I never really got a clear picture of what healthy alcohol consumption looks like, until my high school friends started drinking in the moderate reasonable ways they presumably learned from families less, or differently, dysfunctional than my own. The alcoholism on my father's side, combined with various other of my personal habits and traits led me to believe that I was probably not a good candidate to be someone who can drink regularly in a moderate way.
However, last night was new year's eve and I decided to try some champagne for the occasion. At heart I don't think I really wanted to, and I want to emphasize that I don't feel that my friends actively pressured me to do it. With the first mouthful I realized I didn't really like how it tasted, and made my dislike known in the traditional verbal fashion. At this point I was told that champagne wasn't really a good drink for starters, and they made other suggestions, that I tried to politely brush away. What started as an attempt express my distaste with the beverage and the unlikelihood of me trying more alcohol in the near future, sort of turned into a tirade about how I wish my friends would give me some space on this issue, and I don't remember everything I actually said, but I was pretty thoroughly annoyed with there response to my first time drinking alcohol. If I was out of line, or coming off as trying to be morally superior, I apologize. But the facts are, I felt like they didn't really know how much thought I had gone into over whether or not I was going to try my first drink that night. To them drinking is a casual thing that is not remotely a big deal. This may be a personality flaw on my part, but to me it was a very big deal. Drinking is pretty much the gateway between adult and not adult in our culture, and frankly when you're the only one at a party not drinking there is a real paranoia that can come over a person, like they're the baby of the party, and everyone else is just putting up with them to be polite. It's not that anybody actively comments or slights you, it's just that feeling of otherness, like you're not really part of the group. Sometimes they do make comments, even just in jest, that drinking would somehow improve me, which, joking though it is, does prey on my pre-existing insecurities.
The worst part is that, in fact, there is no rational reason for me to feel that way. For the most part people are nice and understanding about the issue, even when I've reiterated it ad nauseum. They all know what my deal is, it's ultimately me who has the problem with it. The whole thing just feeds into my insecurities over acceptance and validation. The feeling that no matter how long I've known my group of friends I'm still the new guy who has to prove himself. What all this is to say, is that intead of drinking for normal reasons like wanting to relax and have a good time, I drank because I thought somehow that would finally make me feel in. Make me feel like I belonged in the group. I drank because I thought if I did it would magically become a non-issue for me. Basically I drank in an attempt to kill my own insecurities and fears, which is probably a poor reason to drink alcohol.
As for the actual effects on my body. I got a fuzzy feeling for about an hour to an hour and a half followed by a headache that lasted the rest of the night. It also retriggered the depressive period that I had just pulled out of the day before. Now I'll probably have to wait another day or so, until I feel normal again. Basically my first experience with alcohol, was not very positive and I almost immediately regretted it. Now I know some people will be all, 'Oh, you just need more practice,' or 'don't let one bad experience ruin it' but that really isn't very helpful to me, since it just seems to reenforce the idea that I'm not going to be totally accepted by the group unless I conform, and drink to some extent. Not to be mean, but sometimes I almost get the inpression that people want me to drink, because me not drinking takes away from there fun which is paranoid on my part if false, but selfish on their part if true.
I guess I just want some sort of stable sign that i'm welcome even if I don't want to drink. I know there is a habit of playful teasing amobngst the group but if i could have some support or at least distance on this issue I would feel a lot better. Not that anyone reading should feel bad or anything, I mean everyone who was at the party is on this blogs friend list, so I expect some of them will read this. I don't want you to feel bad or guilty, because that would make me the self-centered one. All I'd really like is that whether people agree or disagree with my various reasonings on the subject they at least try to understand that this is probably one of those major issues that was defined by my childhood and will probably not go away for me easily if it ever does. To be fair there is another person in the group who doesn't drink just because he doesn't like the taste of alcohol, and I always get the sense that he gets more respect for his stand because it relies on a pure aesthetic, 'I don't like it, argument', rather than my complicated psycho-social arguments. Sometimes I feel like I'm just a squalling baby making excuses not to do something I'm scared of, so there's quite a lot of ambivelence on my part about this whoole thing.
Sorry, if i took up to much of your time, or hurt anyone's feelings. It's just because I sometimes think people don't get how much of an important issue this is for me, because it's such a non-issue for them and other people who are more normal than I am.
I hope this isn't too whiny, anyway food for thought.
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